Today is the real test

So Fridays, Fridays, Fridays!

They scare the hell outta me, and while I'm talking about it lets not leave out Saturdays or the occasional Sunday either :-/ This is where my mia cycle has become so crazed and I begin to act as if I don't even know what thin is.

However, last weekend I did pretty good (for my fist real attempt to say no to a binge/purge) I actually went out to dinner b/c an old friend came up and thankfully (and oddly) I was soo uninterested in the Amazing gourmet food in front of me, and he was too--we both hardly ate. Our history goes way back, won't get into it now, but, yeah I completely forgot that i was supposed to be eating of what normally happens when I go out to eat where I scarf it all down only to politely excuse myself afterwards.

I wish I could be like that with my boyfriend--"that" meaning not hungry or being able to not eat in front of him. He's home and I'm still out in college, I love him so much and we have an amazing relationship, he is so great and he deserves perfection in his g/f.

Last Sat i had a dance performance so of course I didn't overeat...didn't really stay on track but I was satisfied given my background for weekends.

I did have a bad B-P on Sunday and I think that was because I was overwhelmed with my school work and life and....i really don't know why but I know mia always has you promise yourself it will be the last episode and I really know that it won't but I also know that I really WANT it to be, meaning I really want to stop the cycle. Also I've been restricting and it's been soo much easier/better than ever before. It's like something has clicked within me where I really no longer accept myself and my body. Used to be, before, when I was 120 I would look in the mirror and feel slim and that was because I had newly gotten there and was so proud--I think the pride is what got me into the mia cycle because I would say "oh you're fine, eat normal!" then I just wouldn't be able to stop etc. etc. etc.

But now, now its like "WHAT? 120 is acceptable to you? You're disgusting don't you know that?!" And I'm like "Yeah, I know! What was I thinking? Becoming complacent and all...." Lol I know everyone has inner arguments so I'm not even going to excuse the schizophrenic-ness of that.

So yeah, I could feel it, that "switch" and its making me high and I Love it up here. So my plan today is to eat only 1,000-1,200 cals. I know that seems like a lot but I absolutely love to exercise as it is such a stress reliever for me, and so I probably burn over 800 cals a day just from that at the gym however I guess I"ll really never know. I'm going to be 115 or UNDER by the wedding I'm going to in JANUARY. I have soo much time but I'm not going to let that be an excuse for me to binge, I'm going to let it bring a smile to my face knowing that I can, and will, lose more than that.