So, its nice to know I may be interesting...hah. Thanks for following, and if anyone ever needs anything you can find me on PrettyThin under: skyaway
So, I posted like 2 days ago about the new diet plan. I've been doing pretty good! Considering how much studying and work I've been doing (thats usually what my downfall is, but I'm serious something has clicked with me lately and I really just love telling myself NO)
I haven't been like strict with the days I said I would eat, but I'm cycling in the same sense. Like yesterday I had around 1000 cals, and today less than 900. OHH AANNND I was talking to the boyfriend about thinking about doing a juice fast, and he's like "whats a juice fast" and I explained it to him and he, he's so funny, he says he wants to do a fast with me! LOL. He's been getting back into working out lately and now I think he's really tryin to out do me, but yeah he's not a meat head or anything he's handsome, kind eyes (features in general) he's got this curly naturally highlighted pony tail from all the work he does outside. He's more like a "man's man" than someone I'd expect to do a juice fast w/ me, but anywho when I get home we're going to go to the mall for more Christmas shopping (for my mom, seriously what do u get for the woman who has everything?) and I'm going to go to GNC and pick up a juice fast cleanse, or maybe a total body cleanse...or maybe neither?? and perhaps just buy V8 veggie and veggie juice blends and drink that for 3 days. We'll see, if anyone has suggestions I'd love to hear them :)
Soo, ONE MORE MOTHER FUCKING DAY OF HELL!! WOOT! Yeah, So I just basically finished my SECOND to LAST paper, and I had a NEURO final today as well that I studied my ass off for yesterday and this morning and I think I nailed it, but I have one more paper for my education class that's due Thursday. Then I'm on my way HOME!
I'm scared though, of home. Home is security and food that I don't have out at college. Its easy to not eat a lot when you can't afford to have it in ur apt, but at my mom's its like a damn grocery store. Also, the bf's fam is Italian and LOVES TO EAT and seemingly loves to make me a fat ass as well.
BUT, I refuse to give in to their temptations of sweets and cheesy pasta dishes. Because you know where I'm going to be if I don't? I'm going to continue to be a fat disgusting piece of ugliness, whose as useless as a fat model. I won't be sexy for my bf therefore I won't want to have sex, I won't be able to show his brother's annoying rich Jersey-girl girlfriend that she may be rich but at least I'm HOT and SKINNY not like her fat ass! OMG she eat's soo fucking much and then complains that she needs to start her weight watchers "Tomorrow, for sure! I'm so fat...blah blah" Its like GOD if you hate urself then stop eating. But tbh I like that she's like a size 8-10 and has put on like 10 pounds since I've known her, (wow this is bad be prepared) that makes me feel like I'm better than her because otherwise I would be mad jealous. I feel that my bf's mom (his brother's mom, this is his brother's gf i'm talking about) I feel that his mom likes her more, because she's Italian but she's also like city Italian which means she is much more outspoken than me. She also apparently has OCD which Shawn told me (bf's bro) so she is like kinda crazy. This means that the family just LOVES her and can ACCEPT her because, oh poor Dani she has a DISORDER.
FML, so this is what I'm dealing with when I go home. But, seriously, I put all of this in my own head. I mean come on ___ I need to just stop caring so much about what other people think of me!!!!! All that matters is that I am skinny because I'm happier that way and everything else in my life is better as well. SO I will not faulter over break, I WILL NOT GIVE IN. I really can't. Because once I do, Its like I can't stop Binging and Purging and I CAN'T AFFORD to have ANYONE especially my BF to find out right now.
SRy for the long-ass rant.
Real quick, back to my weight loss: Yesterday I hit 117!!!! But didn't hold my breath b/c today scale said 119. I can't weigh myself in the mornings anymore b/c my house scale is fucked up and I'm not sure how many pounds its off. I think it tells me I'm 6 pounds lighter but I don't really know (think I'm going to bring it home and compare to mom's digital) So I have to weigh myself like mid-late day when I'm at the gym. I'm also thinking of not weighing in everyday, like I feel that I'll fuck up if I get too confident or what/ev as that has happened. But, yeah only one more day of my own little world of hw and restriction as I please then I have to face the real world of Holiday Cheer and loud, obnoxious gf's, mother's trying to feed me and self motivating to say NO THANK YOU!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Its raining--its pouring-- the old man is snoring....
Yep Yep its nasty out, but surprisingly I'm in a pretty good mood. I think a lot has to do with these new supplements I'm taking. A while ago, I heard an ad on the radio for Vitamin B-12 and Folic acid supplements to increase energy, mood, and clarity of thoughts. They ad said that most supplements are in pill form, and that no matter how much you take of it in a pill form you won't feels results because it needs to get directly into the bloodstream to have an effect. SO, the ad was for "submucosal" tablets, meaning that you place the tab under your tongue and it dissolves (there's a huge vein/artery whichever under your tongue and things get really quickly absorbed into your system this way, I know this because I take a prescription called "Suboxone" that helps me stay off heroin and I have to place it under my tongue)
So yeah, I was X-mas shopping and stopped in GNC for the boyfriend (he's really into working out lately, he's such a hunk!) and I found them...they were 19.00 though but yeah, I'm sooo glad I got them. I don't know if its the placebro affect, meaning i feel different b/c I want to feel diff, not because they work, but I really think that they do. I've also been taking this effervessent (like alkazelter) that has B-12 and Folic acid in it, claiming to give me energy. I'm loving the stuff, I feel like I can work out longer, eat less, be happier, get more done in general. Plus i have finals this week so this discovery couldn't have come at a better time.
Ok so yea, my new diet starting tomorrow:
I'm goin to start cycling between what I tend to normally eat (1200!! soo high I know) with something much lower, but high enough so that I can have enough energy to work out, thinking somthing like 800, maybe throw a 900 day in there as well. Today I'm eating a lil over 900 (I'm on campus, and I pack all the food I'm going to eat until I go home at 11:00 and have my 25 cal cocoa and go to bed, so I know my daily intake already b/c its sitting right next to me. I also don't bring any cash so that I don't become victim of the vending machines.)
Sooo here we go for the next 4 days:
Monday: 800
Tuesday: 1200
Wednesday: 900
Thursday: 1000
I don't know how its going to be when I get home for LOVELY WINTER BREAK on Thursday night, so right here right now I'm making a promise to myself:
"You have been doing so great these last 2 weeks! You went from 124 to 118, Good for you! But thats not good enought, and thats not gonna cut it if you want to totally wow Matt and everyone you know. You gotta stick with this, and I know you want to, so just do it! Think of how easy it is to say no to food, think of how GREAT that word sounds because of how AMAZING you'll feel knowing you stayed strong. The words "binge" or "purge" are never ever to be a part of your inner vocabulary ever again, neither is ever an option and you know that. Perfect people have perfect control, and someday soon thats what you'll be...BUT ONLY IF you continue to do well. Just think about how amazing you feel every morning when you wake up knowing you did awsome the day before, and just remember how terrible it feels to wake up knowing that your dispicable actions caused you to feel like that FAT, LAZY, GROSS, WORTHLESS, SLOB you are for eating too much the day before. IF YOU STAY ON TRACK TO THIN YOU WILL LOOK AND FEEL WONDERFUL, if you don't you will suffer in your personally created hell.
So, yeah, thats whats going on. I need to get off here and start my paper. It's due tomorrow morning and I've yet to even look at the assignment.
So yeah, I was X-mas shopping and stopped in GNC for the boyfriend (he's really into working out lately, he's such a hunk!) and I found them...they were 19.00 though but yeah, I'm sooo glad I got them. I don't know if its the placebro affect, meaning i feel different b/c I want to feel diff, not because they work, but I really think that they do. I've also been taking this effervessent (like alkazelter) that has B-12 and Folic acid in it, claiming to give me energy. I'm loving the stuff, I feel like I can work out longer, eat less, be happier, get more done in general. Plus i have finals this week so this discovery couldn't have come at a better time.
Ok so yea, my new diet starting tomorrow:
I'm goin to start cycling between what I tend to normally eat (1200!! soo high I know) with something much lower, but high enough so that I can have enough energy to work out, thinking somthing like 800, maybe throw a 900 day in there as well. Today I'm eating a lil over 900 (I'm on campus, and I pack all the food I'm going to eat until I go home at 11:00 and have my 25 cal cocoa and go to bed, so I know my daily intake already b/c its sitting right next to me. I also don't bring any cash so that I don't become victim of the vending machines.)
Sooo here we go for the next 4 days:
Monday: 800
Tuesday: 1200
Wednesday: 900
Thursday: 1000
I don't know how its going to be when I get home for LOVELY WINTER BREAK on Thursday night, so right here right now I'm making a promise to myself:
"You have been doing so great these last 2 weeks! You went from 124 to 118, Good for you! But thats not good enought, and thats not gonna cut it if you want to totally wow Matt and everyone you know. You gotta stick with this, and I know you want to, so just do it! Think of how easy it is to say no to food, think of how GREAT that word sounds because of how AMAZING you'll feel knowing you stayed strong. The words "binge" or "purge" are never ever to be a part of your inner vocabulary ever again, neither is ever an option and you know that. Perfect people have perfect control, and someday soon thats what you'll be...BUT ONLY IF you continue to do well. Just think about how amazing you feel every morning when you wake up knowing you did awsome the day before, and just remember how terrible it feels to wake up knowing that your dispicable actions caused you to feel like that FAT, LAZY, GROSS, WORTHLESS, SLOB you are for eating too much the day before. IF YOU STAY ON TRACK TO THIN YOU WILL LOOK AND FEEL WONDERFUL, if you don't you will suffer in your personally created hell.
So, yeah, thats whats going on. I need to get off here and start my paper. It's due tomorrow morning and I've yet to even look at the assignment.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
This Just In...
So, I did pretty good yesterday!! woot woot.
I mean only 150 cals over what I like to normally have, so yeah like 1300...I know that seems incredibly high, and it actually is kinda hard to eat that much lately. I think I'm going to take my intake down from 1100-1200 to less than a 1000...I'm just worried I'll lose my metabolism and the muscle thats keeping me looking fit. I really don't want to have thunder thighs of muscle either though, so maybe if I lose just a little I'll be better off, idk though I really like what working out does for my mind and body, and if I want to keep up the strenous workouts then I shouldn't go too low with my intake.
If anyone has an opinion or what they would do in my situation I'm all ears (or eyes rather)
Anyways, back to why I'm writing the post, last night I came home and the whole women's lacross team was in my living room (my roommates are the capt's) they were doing a gifting game and I just went in my room on Pretty Thin til they left. Omg some of these girls are huge, like built like bull kinda thing. They were just bein loud and munching on chips and fatty food, I made a vegan burger on light bread (ended up not eating the bread anyways) and I was full--after I'd spent like over a hour at the gym doing hard cardio. I don't know whats come over me but I'M LOVING IT and the control is just so natural now, it used to be really difficult to say no to myself (and others), but not anymore. Every time I say no, the more amazing I feel. I really think that I can kick my mia for good if I can be that good on a Friday night--not to mention this night in particular marked the last day of classes before finals, so it was party city around the college everyone was going out. But, my roommates and friends just stayed in and I got blaaazzed outta my mind--which is also unlike me, I usually don't smoke pot but my guy friend sells it and was up visiting and "forgot" his weed and I've been so stressed with finals and papers so each night I've been taking some hits...helps me fall asleep cus lately that's been kinda hard. So yeah, we just hung out, I had a glass of wine, and watched BrokeBack Mountain on Bravo...which let me tell you Bravo, you suck! They could show him sexing his wife but not the part where they do it in the tent, ridiculous.
So, yeah today I'm going Christmas shopping with $200...that'll take me real far. I would only have 2 people to buy for if it wasn't for my boyfriend's extremely huge Italian family so yeah, I gotta stretch it out. Also, I gotta wait until I sell my Neuroscience book back, cus I should get at least 60$ for it aka my mom's present.
Ok, going to watch the latest Biggest loser on Hulu, then shop, then attempt to write a paper. However, I think I'm going to take a "personal" day today. We'll see where my motivation is headed. <3
I mean only 150 cals over what I like to normally have, so yeah like 1300...I know that seems incredibly high, and it actually is kinda hard to eat that much lately. I think I'm going to take my intake down from 1100-1200 to less than a 1000...I'm just worried I'll lose my metabolism and the muscle thats keeping me looking fit. I really don't want to have thunder thighs of muscle either though, so maybe if I lose just a little I'll be better off, idk though I really like what working out does for my mind and body, and if I want to keep up the strenous workouts then I shouldn't go too low with my intake.
If anyone has an opinion or what they would do in my situation I'm all ears (or eyes rather)
Anyways, back to why I'm writing the post, last night I came home and the whole women's lacross team was in my living room (my roommates are the capt's) they were doing a gifting game and I just went in my room on Pretty Thin til they left. Omg some of these girls are huge, like built like bull kinda thing. They were just bein loud and munching on chips and fatty food, I made a vegan burger on light bread (ended up not eating the bread anyways) and I was full--after I'd spent like over a hour at the gym doing hard cardio. I don't know whats come over me but I'M LOVING IT and the control is just so natural now, it used to be really difficult to say no to myself (and others), but not anymore. Every time I say no, the more amazing I feel. I really think that I can kick my mia for good if I can be that good on a Friday night--not to mention this night in particular marked the last day of classes before finals, so it was party city around the college everyone was going out. But, my roommates and friends just stayed in and I got blaaazzed outta my mind--which is also unlike me, I usually don't smoke pot but my guy friend sells it and was up visiting and "forgot" his weed and I've been so stressed with finals and papers so each night I've been taking some hits...helps me fall asleep cus lately that's been kinda hard. So yeah, we just hung out, I had a glass of wine, and watched BrokeBack Mountain on Bravo...which let me tell you Bravo, you suck! They could show him sexing his wife but not the part where they do it in the tent, ridiculous.
So, yeah today I'm going Christmas shopping with $200...that'll take me real far. I would only have 2 people to buy for if it wasn't for my boyfriend's extremely huge Italian family so yeah, I gotta stretch it out. Also, I gotta wait until I sell my Neuroscience book back, cus I should get at least 60$ for it aka my mom's present.
Ok, going to watch the latest Biggest loser on Hulu, then shop, then attempt to write a paper. However, I think I'm going to take a "personal" day today. We'll see where my motivation is headed. <3
Friday, December 11, 2009
Today is the real test
So Fridays, Fridays, Fridays!
They scare the hell outta me, and while I'm talking about it lets not leave out Saturdays or the occasional Sunday either :-/ This is where my mia cycle has become so crazed and I begin to act as if I don't even know what thin is.
However, last weekend I did pretty good (for my fist real attempt to say no to a binge/purge) I actually went out to dinner b/c an old friend came up and thankfully (and oddly) I was soo uninterested in the Amazing gourmet food in front of me, and he was too--we both hardly ate. Our history goes way back, won't get into it now, but, yeah I completely forgot that i was supposed to be eating of what normally happens when I go out to eat where I scarf it all down only to politely excuse myself afterwards.
I wish I could be like that with my boyfriend--"that" meaning not hungry or being able to not eat in front of him. He's home and I'm still out in college, I love him so much and we have an amazing relationship, he is so great and he deserves perfection in his g/f.
Last Sat i had a dance performance so of course I didn't overeat...didn't really stay on track but I was satisfied given my background for weekends.
I did have a bad B-P on Sunday and I think that was because I was overwhelmed with my school work and life and....i really don't know why but I know mia always has you promise yourself it will be the last episode and I really know that it won't but I also know that I really WANT it to be, meaning I really want to stop the cycle. Also I've been restricting and it's been soo much easier/better than ever before. It's like something has clicked within me where I really no longer accept myself and my body. Used to be, before, when I was 120 I would look in the mirror and feel slim and that was because I had newly gotten there and was so proud--I think the pride is what got me into the mia cycle because I would say "oh you're fine, eat normal!" then I just wouldn't be able to stop etc. etc. etc.
But now, now its like "WHAT? 120 is acceptable to you? You're disgusting don't you know that?!" And I'm like "Yeah, I know! What was I thinking? Becoming complacent and all...." Lol I know everyone has inner arguments so I'm not even going to excuse the schizophrenic-ness of that.
So yeah, I could feel it, that "switch" and its making me high and I Love it up here. So my plan today is to eat only 1,000-1,200 cals. I know that seems like a lot but I absolutely love to exercise as it is such a stress reliever for me, and so I probably burn over 800 cals a day just from that at the gym however I guess I"ll really never know. I'm going to be 115 or UNDER by the wedding I'm going to in JANUARY. I have soo much time but I'm not going to let that be an excuse for me to binge, I'm going to let it bring a smile to my face knowing that I can, and will, lose more than that.
They scare the hell outta me, and while I'm talking about it lets not leave out Saturdays or the occasional Sunday either :-/ This is where my mia cycle has become so crazed and I begin to act as if I don't even know what thin is.
However, last weekend I did pretty good (for my fist real attempt to say no to a binge/purge) I actually went out to dinner b/c an old friend came up and thankfully (and oddly) I was soo uninterested in the Amazing gourmet food in front of me, and he was too--we both hardly ate. Our history goes way back, won't get into it now, but, yeah I completely forgot that i was supposed to be eating of what normally happens when I go out to eat where I scarf it all down only to politely excuse myself afterwards.
I wish I could be like that with my boyfriend--"that" meaning not hungry or being able to not eat in front of him. He's home and I'm still out in college, I love him so much and we have an amazing relationship, he is so great and he deserves perfection in his g/f.
Last Sat i had a dance performance so of course I didn't overeat...didn't really stay on track but I was satisfied given my background for weekends.
I did have a bad B-P on Sunday and I think that was because I was overwhelmed with my school work and life and....i really don't know why but I know mia always has you promise yourself it will be the last episode and I really know that it won't but I also know that I really WANT it to be, meaning I really want to stop the cycle. Also I've been restricting and it's been soo much easier/better than ever before. It's like something has clicked within me where I really no longer accept myself and my body. Used to be, before, when I was 120 I would look in the mirror and feel slim and that was because I had newly gotten there and was so proud--I think the pride is what got me into the mia cycle because I would say "oh you're fine, eat normal!" then I just wouldn't be able to stop etc. etc. etc.
But now, now its like "WHAT? 120 is acceptable to you? You're disgusting don't you know that?!" And I'm like "Yeah, I know! What was I thinking? Becoming complacent and all...." Lol I know everyone has inner arguments so I'm not even going to excuse the schizophrenic-ness of that.
So yeah, I could feel it, that "switch" and its making me high and I Love it up here. So my plan today is to eat only 1,000-1,200 cals. I know that seems like a lot but I absolutely love to exercise as it is such a stress reliever for me, and so I probably burn over 800 cals a day just from that at the gym however I guess I"ll really never know. I'm going to be 115 or UNDER by the wedding I'm going to in JANUARY. I have soo much time but I'm not going to let that be an excuse for me to binge, I'm going to let it bring a smile to my face knowing that I can, and will, lose more than that.
It's late, I'm beyond stressed and tired, and what do I do? Create a blog thats what.
So, today I decided that I was going to start a blog, and I’ve been debating it for a little while ever since I kept finding myself continually clicking on the links to blogs written in Pretty Thin members signatures. I’m addicted to Pretty Thin by the way. I realized that creating a blog is probably a really healthy thing for me to do, especially where I’m at right now in my life. I could use some self expression, and I think organizing my thoughts about life will just help me along my journey.
So, me, a college senior, just about to go on break (thank God)…under mass amounts of pressure and stress to be perfect in every way. To get into grad school, to look beautiful, to always act appropriately, to be responsible, to always appear happy, to exhibit self control, to always know the answer….
Unfortunately not all of these things can be achieved, and I’m slowly realizing that I need to come to terms with certain characteristics about myself that are damaging but need to be confronted. For instance, I can never make everyone happy (perhaps I should consider myself??) Even though I’m 21 I’m still a baby longing to be loved. I’m such a good liar, especially to myself but I bet people see right through the lies more than I think.
I want more than anything to be thin, tiny and loveable, sweet and charming, small yet useful. The girl who could do it all and everything else; on top of the list in everyone’s book.
For having an ED and all I’m generally a pretty happy person, I really am, or at least I’ve been successful at convincing myself of the matter. Regardless, I am a very busy person with the tendency to have unfortunate events follow me around just as soon as I think I’m safe. What has and continues to keep my life in order is my obsession.
I love my obsession, it fuels every inch of my body with determinism, the will to succeed in life in every area that I may ever doubt. Everything will be perfect once I’m thin enough to matter.
Anyways, even if no one ever reads this it should do me some good to start being honest to myself about this thing called “feelings”... I will be posting some plans, thinspo that I like and other things I use to get and keep me on this track called life. I’m going home for break, which is sorta the main reason I started this, to keep me on track and also because I finally have the time. Can’t wait til break, only one more week and then I’m off the hook of A LOT of people’s expectations…only to go home and be on others’.
*I chose the Weeping Willow Tree to represent me, not because I think I’m a sad person but because I think they are the most beautiful thing in the world. They are graceful, and inviting--engulfing you under their softly drooping canvas…Willow trees represent serenity and strength, the ability to grow but fall down. These trees seems so mysterious yet benevolent and I feel like if they could talk their story would be a lot like mine.
So, me, a college senior, just about to go on break (thank God)…under mass amounts of pressure and stress to be perfect in every way. To get into grad school, to look beautiful, to always act appropriately, to be responsible, to always appear happy, to exhibit self control, to always know the answer….
Unfortunately not all of these things can be achieved, and I’m slowly realizing that I need to come to terms with certain characteristics about myself that are damaging but need to be confronted. For instance, I can never make everyone happy (perhaps I should consider myself??) Even though I’m 21 I’m still a baby longing to be loved. I’m such a good liar, especially to myself but I bet people see right through the lies more than I think.
I want more than anything to be thin, tiny and loveable, sweet and charming, small yet useful. The girl who could do it all and everything else; on top of the list in everyone’s book.
For having an ED and all I’m generally a pretty happy person, I really am, or at least I’ve been successful at convincing myself of the matter. Regardless, I am a very busy person with the tendency to have unfortunate events follow me around just as soon as I think I’m safe. What has and continues to keep my life in order is my obsession.
I love my obsession, it fuels every inch of my body with determinism, the will to succeed in life in every area that I may ever doubt. Everything will be perfect once I’m thin enough to matter.
Anyways, even if no one ever reads this it should do me some good to start being honest to myself about this thing called “feelings”... I will be posting some plans, thinspo that I like and other things I use to get and keep me on this track called life. I’m going home for break, which is sorta the main reason I started this, to keep me on track and also because I finally have the time. Can’t wait til break, only one more week and then I’m off the hook of A LOT of people’s expectations…only to go home and be on others’.
*I chose the Weeping Willow Tree to represent me, not because I think I’m a sad person but because I think they are the most beautiful thing in the world. They are graceful, and inviting--engulfing you under their softly drooping canvas…Willow trees represent serenity and strength, the ability to grow but fall down. These trees seems so mysterious yet benevolent and I feel like if they could talk their story would be a lot like mine.
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